


Meet Me In Montauk

by usefulqueervampire



Category: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004), The 100 (TV), The 100/Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Genre: Alternate Universe, Eternal Sunshine Crossover, F/F, crossover AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-10
Updated: 2015-09-17
Packaged: 2018-03-22 04:09:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 10,123
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3714454
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/usefulqueervampire/pseuds/usefulqueervampire
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clarke wakes up to find Lexa is gone. She's left nothing but a short note.<br/>Weeks later, Clarke sees Lexa on the street, but Lexa doesn't recognize her.<br/>Confused and hurt, Clarke seeks relief at Lacuna INC, a place that claims it can erase people from your memory.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Spotless Mind

She couldn't believe this was happening. Lexa really just…left, leaving nothing but a few belongings and a note that read: I’m sorry. I can’t. Thanks for everything. Lexa had warned her this might happen, that she might run. She’d never been one to make a home, to stick around too long, not after the loss of her first love. Still, they’d agreed to try. And when they moved in together, Clarke thought things would be different. She thought they’d stay together. 

_Stay._

It was with that one simple word that she’d managed to convince Lexa to stay for breakfast one morning after another one of their this-will-really-be-the-last-time hook ups. She’d wrapped herself around Lexa and whispered it against her shoulder blades. She remembered the way her lovers muscles tensed for a moment before she relaxed, melting back into Clarke. "Okay, fine," Lexa had muttered, trying to sound annoyed but Clarke could tell she was smiling. Breakfast had been nice. Clarke made eggs and Lexa burned the toast but it was nice. It felt like the start of something. Lexa stayed for breakfast more often after that, but she never stopped burning the toast. 

_Stay._

Clarke clenched her fists tighter around the paper, trying to squeeze the goodbye out of it, to turn back time. But nothing changed.  
She picked up the phone to call Bellamy or Raven or maybe even her mother but she didn’t want to say the words out loud.

Because that would make it real. And it couldn’t be real. 

_I’m sorry._  
_I can’t._  
_Thanks for everything._

Although Lexa hadn’t spoken them, Clarke heard her voice clearly, the words echoing through the empty apartment, bouncing off every surface that had ever kissed against, ever fucked on, ever cried on together. Like the night they watched A Walk To Remember and neither one of them wanted the other to know they were crying over some Nicolas Sparks tragic straight couple but they finally gave in and ended up sobbing into their popcorn together for a good hour after the movie was over. It was the first time they'd seen each other cry, and Lexa's mascara was running down her cheeks. 

"You look ridiculous," Clarke laughed, trying to wipe some of it away with her thumb. 

"You're one to talk. You're not a pretty crier, Clarke Griffin." 

They fell asleep on the couch together, and the last thing Clarke had seen before she'd drifted off was a faint smile on Lexa's make-up stained face.

Clarke wallowed in the memories all morning and into the afternoon. She was vaguely aware of the way the light was changing, the way the shadows chased each other across the floor. The apartment was dark by the time she picked up the phone to call Bellamy. 

“She just…left? In the middle of the night?”  
“Uh huh.”  
“Do you want me to come over? I can bring ice cream?” Bellamy spoke softly into the phone.  
“Uh uh.”  
“I’m going to come over, Clarke,” there was a long pause. Clarke listened to Bellamy’s breathing on the other end. 

_I’m sorry._

“Ok.”

_I can’t._

Her hand went limp, the phone clattering to the ground. 

_Thanks for everything._

She tore the note in half, collapsing in on herself. 

__

A month passed and Lexa didn’t come back. She didn’t call or text. She didn’t leave word with Octavia or Lincoln. She just disappeared.  
Clarke went back to work, drifting around the hospital like a ghost. Her mother pulled a few strings and got her easy shifts, shorter hours, and patients who didn’t want to talk much. The routine was good for her, but she still felt numb. At home she ignored texts and called. The only human interaction she had outside of work was Bellamy, who had a key, and refused to let her shut him out entirely. 

“Eat,” he said, shoving the rocky road under her nose.  
Clarke gave him a blank look.  
“Eat.” He repeated. 

She took the pint, sliding the spoon slowly into her mouth. A large chunk of marshmallow melted on her tongue. She leaned her head on Bellamy’s shoulder, a silent thank you. They sat in silence, Bellamy flipping through channels until Clarke grunted her approval at the ABC Family Harry Potter Marathon. He smiled to himself – at least his friend was still in there somewhere, even if she was buried under a mountain and a half of heartbreak. Clarke nestled in closer to Bellamy as they passed the pint back and forth. She found comfort in the sound of his heartbeat -- he was the only thing that felt real some days, and she was grateful for his presence, even if she'd never tell him. She knew he was worried, but she also knew he wasn't going to push it and make her talk about it. Plus, he was single. She knew it was childish, but the main reason she hadn't reached out to Octavia or Raven was because they were each in happy relationships that didn't seem to be going anywhere any time soon, and that was the last thing she wanted to be around right now. She knew none of them were taking it personally, but the missed calls and unanswered texts still made her her feel a little guilty. They were worried, too. She made a mental note to stop being such a baby and make plans to see them both at some point. Maybe they would bring her more ice cream. 

Clarke fell asleep halfway through the fourth movie, empty pint in her hand. Bellamy gently removed it from her grip, tossing it into the trash before coming back for Clarke. She slept like a rock, so he knew waking her wasn’t an option. Instead, he slipped his hands under her back and behind her knees, lifting her off the couch and carrying her to her small bedroom. She looked so peaceful in that moment, but Bellamy knew it was just an illusion. He'd never seen Clarke so attached to anyone, not since Finn. But that had been a high school romance, puppy love, and it was easy enough to get her through that break up. This was different. This was real, honest-to-God heartbreak, something he'd never experienced. He knew she would pull through, but he ached for his friend. Leaning down, he kissed her forehead before showing himself out. 

In the silence of the empty apartment, Clarke rolled over in bed, her hands still searching for a body that wasn't there.  
__

Another two weeks passed and Clarke had finally given up on the idea that Lexa was going to come back. She hadn't even called to explain herself further. Radio silence. It wasn't easy, but Clarke had accepted that this was how it was going to be. Until she saw a familiar head of brown hair on her way to work. Her heart leapt. Maybe Lexa had come looking for her. “Lexa?” Clarke ran through the crowded sidewalk, her hand touching the other girls shoulder.  
She turned around. It was her. “I’m sorry, do I know you?”  
Clarke stepped back. Lexa's words were harsh, almost annoyed. Clarke scanned her ex-lovers face for any signs of recognition.  
“I…it’s me, Clarke?” Now she was annoyed. What kind of game was Lexa playing? “I’m sorry, I don't think I know anyone by that name." There was no recognition in her eyes. This wasn't a game. Lexa didn't know who Clarke was.  
“Oh, I just…Sorry to bother you.” Clarke took a step back.  
“I’m really sorry,” she said again, her eyes softening a bit at Clarke's sad expression, her cold stare becoming one of sad confusion.  
Another girl with dark hair called out to Lexa.  
Clarke saw them kiss before the crowds blocked them from view.  
That day at work all the progress Clarke had made was suddenly gone. The nurses whispered about it, wondering what had happened. She had just started to seem normal again, and now she was a zombie. Abby sent her home early when she couldn't get Clarke to tell her what had happened, and then she called Raven, who showed up at Clarke's apartment three hours later and dragged her out of the house for dinner with her and Wick. After 45 minutes of silence and two beers, Clarke finally told them what had happened. 

“She looked at me like I was a stranger. I _was_ a stranger to her,” Clarke set her beer down on the kitchen table.  
“Maybe that’s just how she’s coping?” Raven suggested, serving Clarke a plate of spaghetti. Wick was still in his apron, marinara sauce stains painted across it from his overly-enthusiastic stirring. He was oddly quiet. "Maybe she's really hurting, you know? People can die of broken hearts, can't they? Maybe hers just gave her amnesia."  
"I don't think that's a real thing. So, Raven, how is this possible?” Clarke could feel the tears welling up again, but she pushed them down. She liked Wick, but she didn’t know him well enough to cry in front of him.  
“Raven, are you really not going to-” Wick finally spoke.  
“No, not right now.” Raven cut him off.  
“What? Not going to what?” Clarke felt a surge of anger.  
“Raven.” Wick gave his girlfriend a serious look.  
“Fine.” With permission, Wick pulled a small note-card sized paper from a drawer in the kitchen and handed it to Clarke: 

_Dear Ms. Reyes_  
_Lexa Campbell has had Clarke Griffin erased from her memory._  
_Please never mention their relationship to her again._

Clarke was in shock. How was this possible? Erased from her memory? How? Was that even something science could achieve? She worked in a hospital and it didn’t sound plausible to her.  
But then she remembered Lexa’s sad, apologetic eyes. The way she’d just left Clarke standing there. The confusion on her face as she tried to place where she knew Clarke from.  
The name on the bottom of the card was Lacuna INC, and there was an address, too.  
“Clarke?” Raven asked timidly.  
“Can I keep this?” she replied.  
Raven looked at Wick, who shrugged. “Sure.”  
“Are you okay, Clarke?” Wick asked.  
“Fine.”  
They ate in uncomfortable silence. 

Raven drove her home. 

"Clarke, don't do anything stupid, okay?"  
"Thanks for dinner, Ray."  
She watched Raven drive away, giving her a half-hearted wave from the doorway. 

The first thing Clarke did when she was inside was call Bellamy.  
“Did you get one of these card things?” she demanded.  
"Hello to you, too."  
"Bellamy."  
“Yes, I was going to tell you but Raven didn’t think we should, not unless we needed to…” he trailed off sheepishly. It wasn’t Raven’s job to protect her. It wasn’t anyone’s job. They should have told her immediately.  
“And Lincoln and Octavia? Did they…?”  
“Yeah, we all got them.”  
“Do you think my mom…?”  
“Yes. She agreed with Raven. We all figured you didn’t need to know…we all thought Lexa would be on the other side of the country right now. If we’d known she was still in New York…”

Silence. 

“Clarke, I’m so sorry.” 

“So am I.”  
She hung up and flung her phone across the room. How could they keep this from her? How could Lexa stay in New York? Shouldn't the people who erased her memory have relocated her to Antarctica or someplace where Clarke would never have to see her again? Why didn't this Lacuna or whatever it was called send her a card? Where was her warning? She couldn't sleep. Her head was spinning. She needed to do something. She needed to feel like she had some control over this whole shitty situation. At 3 a.m., Clarke called in sick to work. __

At 10 the next morning, running on about 30 minutes of sleep, Clarke made her way to the address on the card. She'd found their number online, called right when they opened. The woman on the phone instructed her to bring anything she could find that was Lexa's or was connected to Lexa in any way. These would be important to the process, she'd said.

She parked in front of the Lacuna INC building, her stomach twisting, her heart resting somewhere near her toes, a box of Lexa's things in the back seat. 

_If she did it, I can do it. If she did it, I should do it._

A mix CD.  
One of Lexa’s old shirts.  
The sketch book filled with portraits.  
Ticket stubs from their first official date.  
A polaroid of the two of them at the beach in Montauk.  
Pressed flowers from the first bouquet Lexa ever brought home for her.  
And the taped-together goodbye note. 

_If she did it, I can do it. If she did it, I should do it._

This had been her mantra all morning. Still, she couldn’t make herself exit the car and enter the small building. 

_If she did it, I can do it._

Her phone rang, but she ignored it.  
She grabbed the box from the back seat. 

_If she did it_

Another deep breath and she was inside. 

_I can do it_  


“Do you have an appointment?” This annoyed Clarke slightly. Was the box in her hands not an indication?  
“Yes, with Dr. Wallace.”  
“Clarke Griffin?”  
“Yes.”  
“Take a seat, he’ll be with you shortly.”

Clarke sat on the seat farthest from the door, the cardboard box of memories awkwardly placed on her lap. She still wasn’t sure she believed this place would do what they claimed. But she’d brought her box of things. The woman on the phone said something about mapping out the parts of her brain where the memories were. 

“Clarke? I’m Dr. Wallace.” A kind looking old man with thin white hair and an even thinner frame called her name from the hallway. “Come with me, just right down here.” The walk down the short hallway felt like a lifetime. Clarke imagined this was what people felt like when they walked to the electric chair. She was killing part of herself today. Every part of her that Lexa had touched, had shaped...It was all going to be gone.  
Clarke followed the doctor into a small room where she was directed to sit in a massage-chair looking thing. He spoke softly to her as a second person entered the room. A small woman with dark brown curls who stood by, patiently waiting her instructions. 

“This is Maya, she’ll be doing the mapping while you and I discuss the objects you’ve brought in. You’re sure this is everything?” Clarke nodded. “Alright, let’s begin.” He gestured for Maya to approach, and she began connecting electrodes to Clarke's head.

Dr. Wallace asked Clarke about each object. Clarke watched the map of her brain light up when she told him the stories behind each thing. He also asked her other questions, like how they’d met, where they’d met – he needed to know everything in order for the procedure to work properly.  
“And this, this is the last item.” 

The note. 

Clarke did her best not to cry as she talked about the morning she'd found it, where she'd found it, and the events that she believed led up to Lexa's leaving.

Dr. Wallace placed a hand on her shoulder. “We have what we need. You can sit here as long as you'd like, we’ll take these items to storage. You can have a friend or family member pick them up if you don’t want them thrown out. But after the procedure, you won’t even miss them.” He patted her shoulder once and left the room. Maya removed the electrodes from her forehead.

“Leave your address and spare key at the front desk. Our people will be by tonight to complete the procedure.” And then she left. 

Clarke sat alone in the room, wave after wave of grief washing over her. 

_If she did it, I can do it._  
__

Clarke spent the rest of the day holed up in her apartment. Bellamy came over briefly, but after several minutes of cold silence from Clarke, he left. She could see it in his face that he was sorry, but she didn’t care. She was mad at him, at all of them, for keeping this a secret. 

And she was mad at Lexa, too. 

How could see just remove Clarke from her life like that?

Her phone buzzed – it was her mother calling. She sent it straight to voicemail.  


Eventually, darkness came, and Clarke curled up on the couch. Dr. Wallace had said that her bed would be the best place for the procedure to occur, but she was already uncomfortable letting strangers into her house while she slept; she at least wanted to keep her bedroom private.  
She’d taken a sleeping pill just before she’d crawled under the blanket, and her eyes felt heavy as soon as her head hit the pillow. 

_If she did it, I can do it. If she did it, I should do it._

She repeated these words to herself one last time before her eyes fluttered closed and sleep took her.


	2. The First Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The journey through Clarke's memories of Lexa begins.

Clarke blew out the single candle on the vanilla cupcake Bellamy was holding in front of her. The music in the bar was loud, the light was dim, but Clarke could see the smiling faces of her friends all around her. 

“Happy birthday, Princess!” they all shouted in as much unison as they could, considering most of them were already drunk. 

Lincoln handed Clarke her birthday shot from behind the counter, and everyone cheered as she tossed it back. 

“To Clarke, finally turning twenty-one!” Raven lifted her beer and others followed suit.  
“To Clarke!”  
“Our Princess!” Bellamy teased.  
“Now you’re the only baby of the family,” Bellamy teased Octavia, who stuck her tongue out at him.  
“Yeah, but Octavia’s dating the bartender, so she basically gets all the perks,” Lincoln pulled her in for a kiss, which prompted more drunken cheers from the crowd. 

_This is a memory,_ thought Clarke, _this is the night…_

She was quickly swept away from the bar by Raven and Octavia, who pulled her out onto the dance floor. The sandwiched her, grinding to the beat of the music, passing Raven’s beer between themselves, and drawing a lot of looks from men and women alike. 

“Clarke, look over there, by the pool tables,” Octavia half-yelled over the music into Clarke’s ear.

She turned so she was facing the same direction as Octavia. There was a girl watching Clarke with an almost hungry look in her eyes, pool stick in her hand, and a smirk on her lips. Her curly brown hair was draped over one shoulder, an all-black outfit clinging to her every curve. 

_Lexa._

“What am I missing?” Raven interjected, glancing in the direction the other two girls were looking, “Oh damn, Clarke. She wants you bad. Go talk to her!”  
“I don’t know, you guys, I’m here with you…” she knew reasoning with them was useless, but she had to try.  
“We’ll forgive you,” and with that, Octavia pushed Clarke rather roughly in the direction of theg girl. She looked back at them, her eye rolls met with enthusiastic thumbs ups and some rather crude hand gestures from Octavia. 

Lexa was taking her turn when Clarke approached. She leaned against the adjacent table, her eyes tracing the curve of Lexa’s back as she leaned over the table. 

“Happy birthday, Princess,” her tone was mocking, sarcastic.  
“Oh, you heard that…”  
“The whole bar heard. You and your friends aren’t exactly quiet.” Lexa was now facing Clarke, her eyes were intense under thick black eyeshadow.  
“Well, you only turn 21 once, you know,” Clarke was feeling defensive, it wasn’t this girls place to judge how her and her friends celebrated.  
“Uh huh, do you play?” she gestured to the pool table.  
“Yeah, I do. I’m actually pretty good, too.” Clarke was finding her confidence again. She wanted to put this girl in her place.  
“Oh, so would you care to make a bet, Princess?”  
“It’s Clarke, actually, and yes, I would.”  
“Lexa, and…alright, if you win, I’ll buy the next round for you and all your friends, sound fair?” She chalked the end of her cue.  
“And if you win…?”  
“You come home with me tonight.” She looked directly into Clarke’s eyes when she said this. 

_I wish I’d never played that stupid game_

“Deal.”  
__

Clarke won the game. It hadn't lasted too long. Bellamy had spent an entire summer teaching Clarke to play pool when they were in high school. He was the only person who could still beat her at pool, and even then, only sometimes. Although Lexa had valiantly attempted to distract her with sarcastic comments, Clarke's compretitive side kicked in, and that shut Lexa up. When she'd successfully pocketed the 8 ball, she turned to Lexa. "Pay up, loser." She smirked smugly as Lexa bought drinks for her entire party. Raven and Octavia wiggled their eyebrows suggestively at her, and Clarke simply shrugged in return, sipping her victory rum and coke. 

“Good game, Princess,” a seductive whisper in her ear, “But you’re still coming home with me tonight.”

Who was this girl? 

She watched Lexa disappear into the bathroom. 

“What was that all about?” Octavia asked.  
“She thinks I’m going home with her tonight.”  
“You are, right?” Raven raised her brow, “I mean, she’s hot as _fuck_ , Clarke. I’m practically married to Wick and even I’d hit that.” Octavia nodded in agreement.  
“What do you think, Lincoln?” The three girls turned to the bartender.  
“Lexa? I don’t know, Clarke, she’s in and out with girls a lot these days. Just…be careful.”  
“It’s not like I want her to be my girlfriend.”  
“No, Clarke just wants to get some birthday sex,” Octavia pulled Lincoln over the counter, nibbling on his ear, “Speaking of which, why should Clarke be the only one who has fun on her birthday?”  
“I’m still here, and I’m still your brother, O,” Bellamy hollered from down the bar, “I don’t want to see that.” Everyone laughed. Lexa still hadn’t exited the bathroom. Clarke grabbed Raven’s shot and made her way across the floor. 

_Why didn’t I just stay there with my friends? Why did I follow her_

Lexa was leaning against the sinks. 

“Took you long enough,” she approached Clarke, her fingers tugging gently at the collar of her shirt, “So, are you coming home with me tonight?”  
“Why? So I can own you in bed the way I owned you at pool?” The last shot had really boosted Clarke’s confidence. She backed Lexa up against the sinks again; moving in closer, her bottom lip brushed Lexa’s. The tips of their noses touched. 

_Walk away, turn around, leave. Do not say what you’re about to say._

“Come find me when you’re leaving.”  
__

“So…?” Octavia raised her eyebrows at Clarke.  
“None of your business, O,” she shot back, smugly.  
“Uh huh, you forget that I’m your roommate. I’ll know if you don’t come home.” Clarke shoved the other girls shoulder playfully. 

_Why had she ever moved out?_

Clarke looked over her shoulder at Lexa who was watching a large bearded man take his turn at the pool table. She raised her glass slightly, her eyes locking with Clarkes. 

_You idiot._  
__

“I’m leaving,” came a voice in her ear. Raven, Bellamy, Lincoln, and Octavia all looked up, but quickly averted their eyes. They all wore the proud smirks of people who knew their friend would be doing the walk of shame in the morning.  
Clarke hopped off her barstool, “I was starting to think you’d chickened out.” She slid on her jacket, “Lead the way.” Once Lexa’s back was turned, Clarke blew a kiss to her friends over her shoulder.  
__

Even as she watched it play out behind her eyelids, that first night with Lexa was still a blur. It was hot, passionate, and intense to say the least. The way Lexa touched her had set Clarke’s skin on fire. Lexa had kissed her everywhere except on the mouth. Something about how that would only make things complicated. They’d knocked almost all the sheets off the bed and fallen asleep on a bare mattress, not touching. Again, something about making things complicated.

_It was only supposed to be a one night stand._

Things began to fade, the memory growing thinner, darkness creeping in from the corners of Clarke’s vision. She wanted to hold onto this memory, onto Lexa. She wasn’t ready for it to be over. 

Lexa slipped like water through her fingers. 

The scene faded to black.


	3. Broken Castles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke remembers a day at the beach in Montauk with Lexa

“We have to stop doing this.” Lexa was sitting naked on the edge of Clarke’s bed. “I’m a one night stand kind of person. I can’t keep doing this with you.”  
Clarke pulled her t-shirt on, wrapping her arms around herself protectively. “Why?”

“What?”

“Why?” she repeated, “Why is this such a bad thing, Lexa?” No response. “Why do you act like it’s the worst thing in the world every time we sleep together? Clearly, you’re enjoying yourself.” Clarke’s arms feel to her sides in exasperation. “What are you so afraid of? I’m not asking you to be my girlfriend. I’m not asking you for anything more than good sex a few nights a week.”

“Clarke…”

“No, no more bullshit. If you really didn’t want to be doing this you would have stopped after that first night. But you came back.”

“So did you.”

“But I’m not the one acting like it’s some huge deal.” That made Lexa go quiet again. “I don’t want to do this with you every morning after, Lex.” Clarke sat down on the bed, Lexa’s back was to her. She wanted to reach out and touch her, but she was afraid the memory would shatter like the last one, and she wasn’t ready to let go of this one yet, even if it wasn’t terrible pleasant. It was weird, sitting here, re-living these moments, speaking the same words, all while being aware of how this story ended.

She’d been afraid to touch her the day this had all, happened, too. Afraid one touch would send Lexa running.

“I know,” there was a long pause, “I’m sorry.”

“And?”

“And what?” Lexa turned to face her, looking genuinely confused.

“And aren’t you going to tell me how much you adore me? How much you want to be my girlfriend? Oh, Lexa, shower me in sweet praises!” Lexa’s face was shocked for a moment before she realized Clarke was only teasing. She pushed Clarke over on the bed, trying not to smile, “Lexa, of course I’ll be yours! To have and to hold—” She was cut off by Lexa tackling her, pinning her down on the bed.

“Oh, you’re mine, Griffin,” she purred.

“Am I?” Clarke bucked her hips and Lexa lost her balance, allowing Clarke to flip them so she was on top, “Prove it.” She leaned down and bit Lexa’s lower lip, holding it between her teeth for a moment, making eye contact. Her hand slid down between Lexa’s thighs. But then they heard the door opening. Octavia was home.

“Fuck,” Lexa breathes out, her eyes rolling back, her palms pressed to her forehead in frustration. “We do this at my house next time.”

“Next time?” Clarke raised an eyebrow.

“Fuck off,” but Lexa was smiling.

Octavia barged through the door, her hand over her eyes, “Get dressed, bitches, I’m making waffles.” Clarke threw her head back laughing, and Lexa looked like she wanted to kill Octavia, which was how Lexa always looked when Octavia was around, and it only made Clarke laugh harder.

The image started to fade, Clarke stopped laughing, and she looked around as the bedroom began to dissolve.

“No, no, I don’t want to forget this, I wanna keep this one,” she begged.

“Clarke?” Lexa was still beside her, “Clarke, what’s happening?”

“I wanted to forget you, Lexa.”

“Why?” her voice was sad, broken.

“You did it to me first.”

Everything was fading to black.

“How much time do we have left?” Lexa was almost gone, her outline blending in with the rest of the darkness.

“I don’t know. However many memories are left, I guess.”

“Don’t let them take me.”

“It’s too late for that.”

And she was gone. Clarke was left alone for a moment in the darkness, tears threatening to overflow. Had Lexa felt this, too? Had she regretted her choice? Or had dreamed her dreams of Clarke without a moment of guilt or regret?

  
…

  
Everything was still dark, but Clarke could feel sand between her toes.

_Montauk_

“Okay, you can look now,” Lexa’s hands lifted from Clarke’s eyes, and she found herself looking at a rather pathetic looking sandcastle. “I built it…cuz you’re a princess, ya know?” Lexa sounded so awkward, like it pained her to be this lovey and cute.

“I don’t want to lose this memory,” Clarke blurted out.

“Just enjoy it while we have it, Clarke.”

“That’s still the saddest looking castle I’ve ever seen,” she laced her fingers with Lexa’s, resting her head on the other girls shoulder, “But it’s also the best one.”

“I know,” Lexa smiled, kissing the top of Clarke’s head.

“So, are you gonna do what you did next?” Clarke turned to face Lexa, her brows raised, their hands still clasped together.

“Do I have to?”

“It’s the last time I’ll ever get to remember it.” Lexa sighed sadly, nodding.

“I’ll try not to butcher the words,” she smiled, clearing her throat, “Clarke…I know I said this wasn’t supposed to be anything. But I also said we’d only sleep together once, and look how well that went,” Clarke could feel the butterflies again. “I really like you. I mean, a lot. And you’re also _really_ good in bed,” there was that smirk that Clarke loved so much, “So..I guess I’m maybe asking you to be my girlfriend?”

Clarke grabbed Lexa and kissed her hard, taking the other girl by surprise. The stumbled, walking right into the castle, crushing it.

“Now look what you’ve done,” but Lexa was smiling, “You did the same thing that day.”

“Maybe it was a sign,” Clarke replied, tucking some of Lexa’s curls back behind her ear.

Lexa grew somber, “Maybe.”

They were both silent for a while.

“Should we do the next part?”

“Why leave out the highlight?”

  
…

  
“This is it,” Lexa stopped in front of a for closed, beach-front house. She expertly picked the lock, knowledge from her more delinquent high school days.

Clarke followed her inside. It was empty, nothing but walls, carpet, and hardwood floors were left.

“Kiss me,” Clarke whispered.

Lexa pushed her up against the wall, hard. Tangling her hands in Clarke’s blonde hair, Lexa kissed with even more passion than she had the day the memory had been created. Lexa kissed her lips, then her neck, down across her chest, and back up again. But just as she was about to kiss Clarke’s lips, she stopped. She pinned Clarke’s arms above her head, her bottom lip barely brushing Clarkes, a slight smirk on her face.

“Do you want me, Princess?” she whispered.

“Fuck you.” Clarke moaned.

“Later,” Lexa teased, “Answer my question. Do. You. Want. Me.”

“Yes.”

Lexa immediately undid the buttons on Clarke’s jeans, sliding her hand down the front of them. Clarke moaned as Lexa’s fingers made contact with the sensitive skin.  
“I’ll always remember how wet you get,” Lexa growled in Clarke’s ear.

_No you won’t. You don’t even remember my name._

Suddenly, Clarke was angry. She was angry at herself, and angry at Lexa, and angry at the whole damn world for putting her in this situation. She grabbed Lexa and shoved her against the wall. The walls vibrated from the force. She attacked Lexa’s neck with rough kisses, occasionally taking the skin between her teeth, making the other girl whimper.

“Clarke…” Lexa groaned. Clarke yanked hard on Lexa’s tight pants, sliding her fingers quickly into her, pumping them hard and fast. She could see Lexa’s legs shaking, and knew she wouldn’t be able to stay standing much longer.

“On the floor,” she ordered. Lexa shuddered when Clarke’s fingers left her. Lexa laid back on the hardwood floors while Clarke slid herself out of her jeans. She climbed on top of Lexa, her fingers immediately returning to the same hard rhythm.

Her face hovered over Lexa’s, nipping at her lower lip, but never kissing her. Lexa’s hands ran through her hair, her breathing coming erratically.

“C-Clarke – fuck-k,” she stuttered.

“Do you love me?” Clarke demanded, her thumb rubbing quick circles over Lexa’s clit.

“Y-yes,” Lexa moaned.

“Do you love me?” She asked again. They locked eyes.

“Yes.” Lexa’s body rocked, her hips bucked.

Clarke stopped.

“Liar.”

She felt tears on her face as she got up, leaving Lexa laying confused on the floor as the memory began to collapse. The house crumbled as if it was made of sand. The horizon grew black, the ocean being sucked into a void of nothingness. Clarke’s heart felt as if it had been ripped out. Lexa couldn’t have loved her. If she’d loved her she would have stayed.

If she’d loved her, she never would have had Clarke erased.


	4. The Confusion of my Thoughts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Lexa try to hide by traveling into other parts of Clarke's mind and memories.

Clarke found herself back at the bar where she’d met Lexa. It was midday.

            _Day-drinking. Very classy._

            “Clarke…” Lexa was behind her, but Clarke didn’t turn around. She’d been mad at Lexa the day of this memory, too. They’d fought about Facebook, and how Lexa didn’t want to make it official.

            “Are you ashamed of me?” Clarke had shouted.

            “No, of course not…I’m just…”

            “Just what? Afraid?” Clarke demanded, “You’re also so fucking afraid, Lexa. Grow up.” And she’d stormed out, finding herself here, at the bar.

            Right now that fight felt trivial. Right now she was mad about something much bigger.

            “Clarke, I’m so sorry…”

            Clarke took a shot of whiskey. She turned around, hellfire in her eyes.

            “Sorry doesn’t mean shit, Lexa. You erased me. You erased me and didn’t even have the courtesy to move the hell out of New York. Did you know I saw you? With another girl. You looked right through me. You killed me, Lexa.” She was too angry for tears now. Lexa coward under Clarke’s stare.

            “I…”

            “You what?”

            “I wish I could tell you exactly why I did it.”

            “I know why. It’s because you’re afraid, Lexa. You’re always afraid. You’re always running. You’re a fucking coward.”

            “I am.”

            They stared at each other for a long while. Lexa’s eyes were empty and sad. Clarke’s heart was pounding in her chest, her fist clenched tight around the empty shot glass.

            “I wish you hadn’t been in the bar that night. I wish I’d never met you.”

            “You don’t mean that.” Lexa looked like she might cry, something Clarke had only ever seen one other time.

            “Maybe I do,” she spit back.

            Again, silence. Lexa looked at the ground.

            “I’m sorry.”

            “Are you?”

            “Yes. Yes! God, Clarke, yes. I’ve been so sorry about anything before. I’ve never felt so guilty in my entire life. I never wanted to hurt you. Believe me, if I’d known it would end up like this I never would have asked you to come home with me. I just wanted to fuck you but then I fell in love with you and I didn’t know how to handle that. You terrified me, Clarke! You still do. You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen. And you took my heart before I even had time to realize it was happening. And then I got scared. Okay? I got really fucking scared. Because I lost the only other girl I ever loved and I didn’t think I’d ever recover from that. You knew that.” Now Lexa was crying. Talking about Costia was just about the only thing that ever made that happen.

            “I know…” Now it was Clarke that felt guilty. She remembered the night Lexa had confessed it all to her. It was a few weeks after Montauk, after the day Lexa had asked Clarke to be her girlfriend.

_“She got diagnosed with cancer,” Lexa had explained. They’d been sitting on the bed – Lexa by the headboard, her knees clutched to her chest, and Clarke near the foot, cautiously observing the other girl, her heart breaking as she listened. “I loved her. She was the first girl I really loved. I thought she’d be the only one, you know?” She didn’t say out loud that Clarke was the exception; that somehow Clarke had made her way into Lexa’s heart, but Clarke knew. “I swore I’d never let anyone else in after she died. She was my whole world, Clarke. And she just…left. That stupid fucking disease took her from me. And I turned into…into a monster. Like when you met me. God, I was taking home different girls every night. One night stands, nothing more. I never called any of them back, never even acknowledge them again, even if they were right there in front of me. I wanted to drown myself, to drown the memories. I didn’t want to have to feel anything ever again.” She’d wiped her eyes then, looking up at Clarke, a small smile on her lips. “But then you came along. You shook up my whole damn world, Clarke Griffin.” Clarke had then leaned forward and kissed Lexa. It had been a soft, tender kiss. She tried to put all her words, all her “I’m so sorry’s” all her “I’m here for you’s” and all her “I love you’s” into that one gesture of affection._

It was one of the few times Lexa had ever seemed truly vulnerable. When all her walls came down and she let Clarke see into her heart. Clarke could only remember a handful of times that Lexa had done that. She didn't wear her heart on her sleeve - in fact, there were times Lexa pretended she didn't even have a heart. But Clarke knew she did. Despite all the hurt she'd caused, despite the way she'd left Clarke overnight with no explanation. Lexa had a heart, more than she could handle sometimes. 

            Clarke reached out and cupped Lexa’s cheek in her hand. “I know,” she repeated softly. Her heart softened again. She was no longer looking at Lexa like she was the girl who’d broken her heart, but instead as the girl she’d fallen in love with. The girl she still loved, despite all her hurt and anger.

            “I don’t want to erase you,” she admitted.

            “I don’t want to be erased.”

            “What a mess we’ve made, huh?”

            “Yeah.”

            “So what now?”

            “We just keep watching it all go by, I guess. They have a map of everywhere in my brain where you are.”

            “Take me somewhere else.” Lexa suddenly smiled.

            “What?” Clarke was confused.

            “Take me somewhere I don’t belong. Show me things I’ve never seen. Maybe it’ll save us. Or maybe it’ll just give us more time.” She reached out for Clarke’s hand.

            “Lexa…I don’t know…what if they mess up my brain or something?”

            “When have we ever played it safe, Clarke?” Clarke returned Lexa smile.

            “Let’s do this.”

            The familiar darkness began to creep into the edges of the scene. Clarke closed her eyes and thought hard, searching for a memory without Lexa, somewhere they could hide, at least for a little while.

 

…

 

            “Where are we?” Lexa asked.

            Clarke opened her eyes. They were in a bookstore. It was crowded, filled with what seemed like millions of books. They overflowed off the shelves, stacked on the floor and piled high on every surface.

            “I used to come here when I wanted to get away,” she grinned, “It was one of my hideouts.”

            “How come you never took me here?”

            “I don’t know…I guess I thought it wasn’t your thing.” Clarke shrugged.

            “True…but…I probably would have learned to like it. I mean, I learned to like you.”

            “Shut up.” But they were both smiling.

            “Show me your favorite book.”

            “Follow me,” Clarke grabbed Lexa by the hand and pulled her through the maze of shelves, finally landing in front of a collection of Dickens books.

            “Dickens? You never told me that.”

            “There’s a lot I never got to tell you.”

            Tension, but only for a moment.

            “So which one is your favorite?” Lexa ran her fingers over the spines.

            “ _Our Mutual Friend,_ ” Clarke, too, ran a finger over the spines, looking for the title, “It’s not one you hear about a lot, but I always loved it. It’s sort of a murder mystery, but not really…You’d have to read it…Here it is!” She pulled it delicately off the shelf.

            “Then read it to me,” Lexa slid down and sat on the grey carpet, her back against the shelves.

            “I can’t read you the whole thing, I don’t think we have the time.”

            “Maybe we have all the time in the world. Sit,” Lexa gestured to the other side of the isle. Clarke sat down, her legs crossed, and opened the book.

            “It’s not really everyone’s cup of tea, Lex.”

            “Fine, read me your favorite passage.”

            “Okay, but it’s about love. Think you can handle it?” She raised her brows at Lexa.

            “Just read it, Griffin.”

            Clarke flipped through the novel – it was different than the one she owned, so the pages were slightly off, but she found what she was looking for. She cleared her throat, feeling slightly awkward. She’d never liked reading out loud.

            “ _You know what I am going to say. I love you. What other men may mean when they use that expression, I cannot tell; what I mean is, that I am under the influence of some tremendous attraction which I have resisted in vain, and which overmasters me. You could draw me to fire, you could draw me to water, you could draw me to the gallows, you could draw me to any death, you could draw me to anything I have most avoided, you could draw me to any exposure and disgrace. This and the confusion of my thoughts, so that I am fit for nothing, is what I mean by your being the ruin of me. But if you would return a favourable answer to my offer of myself in marriage, you could draw me to any good - every good - with equal force.”_

When she’d finished, Clarke looked up at Lexa.

            “That passage always reminded me of you, actually.”

            “I wish I could have been more like that, honestly. Clarke, I wish I’d stayed. God, if you get out of this with me still intact in your memory, you go find me, okay? You find me and you make me fall in love with you again. No matter what it takes. I’m an idiot, Clarke. A real screw up. Don’t let me lose you, okay?”

            Clarke grabbed Lexa and pulled her, kissing her deeply.

            A rumbling started somewhere amongst the shelves. They both looked up. The wood was crumbling, the books were falling dissolving into nothing before they’d even hit the floor.

“They found us.”


	5. A Brief Reprieve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mostly smut. Sorry it took so long to publish.

“We have to keep running,” Clarke shouted as the darkness closed in on them. Lexa nodded, her grip on Clarke’s hand tightening. Clarke closed her eyes tight, searching for another safe place in her mind for them to hide.

When she opened her eyes they were sitting in Clarke’s old treehouse.

“Where are we?” Lexa looked around, a smile on her face.  
  
“My house in Montana. When I was little. This was my treehouse.” She grinned back at Lexa. “Pretty cool, huh?”  
  
“I mean, I figured you were spoiled, but a treehouse?” Lexa reached out and kissed her gently. Another voice called out from below.  
  
“Clarke? Are you up there?”  
  
“Oh my god, that’s my mom.” They both burst out laughing.  
  
“Do you have a friend up there? Do you need snacks?”  
  
“Um, yeah! Livy came over,” Clarke remembered her childhood friend’s name, “Thanks mom!” Lexa had a hand over her mouth, still laughing.  
  
“I wish I’d gotten to know your mother better,” Lexa was suddenly serious.  
  
“Me too.”  
  
Wind blew the smell of the alfalfa fields through the small space.  
  
“Wow, is this what your childhood smelled like?”  
  
“Only in the summer. Hot alfalfa is still one of my favorite scents, though.”  
  
“I can see why.” Lexa closed her eyes, breathing deep.  
  
“Clarke?” Her mother’s voice floated through the memory again. “I’m going to leave some chips and juice down here, okay? Is Liv staying for dinner?”  
  
“Yeah, if that’s okay!” Clarke called back. “Thanks!” They both giggled again. It was hard not to feel content and childlike in this memory. She almost felt safe.  
Once she was sure Abby was gone, Clarke clambered down the ladder, returning moments later with the juice boxes and off-brand Doritos.  
  
“They are supposed to be healthier or something,” Clarke threw a bag at Lexa, who made a face.  
  
“I want my Doritos fill of artificial cheese and an early death from heart failure.”  
  
“You’ll take what you get,” Clarke said, raising an eyebrow at her.  
  
“I’d take you in this treehouse,” Lexa said, looking around the treehouse innocently.  
  
“Is that really how you want to spend the last of your time with me?”  
  
“What? Like you weren’t thinking the same thing.”  
  
“You’re not worried my mom will come back?” Clarke moved closer to Lexa.  
  
“We never got the fun of sneaking around, sleeping in your mom’s house, ya know? This might be the closest thing we ever get.” Lexa pulled Clarke in by the front of her shirt.  
  
“You make a compelling argument, Lex,” Clarke’s lips were now centimeters from Lexa’s.  
  
“Then stop talking and fuck me.”  
  
Clarke leaned back, pulling Lexa on top of her as she went. She tangled her fingers in Lexa’s curls, running ner nose along the other girls neck and jaw line.  
  
“I think I want to make this last as long as possible,” she whispered. Lexa shivered. Clarke placed slow, tender kisses all along Lexa’s neck and face, kissing everywhere except her lips. Lexa moaned softly. Clarke moved her knee so she could press it up between Lexa’s thighs.  
  
“Jesus, Clarke…”  
  
“Take your shirt off. Slowly.”  
  
Clarke laid on her back while Lexa straddled her, pulling her white t-shirt off over her head. She wasn’t wearing a bra underneath. Clarke exhaled loudly. She’d never get over how beautiful Lexa looked.  
  
“Now you,” Lexa nodded at the still-clothed blonde.  
  
Clarke pulled her top off, throwing it aside. Her bra quickly followed. Lexa’s hands wandered over the soft skin of Clarke’s stomach. She felt each one of Clarke’s breasts, massaging them with tender firmness. Clarke closed her eyes, feeling Lexa’s body move closer as she leaned down replacing her hands with her mouth, covering Clarke’s chest with gentle kisses. One of her hands found their way down the front of Clarke’s jeans. Her fingers teased from over the fabric of her underwear.  
“Yes…” Lexa whispered when she felt the wetness.  
  
“Take them off,” Clarke moaned.  
  
“I thought you wanted to go slow.”  
  
Clarke responded by bucking her hips against Lexa’s fingers. Lexa rolled her eyes.  
  
“Always the teaser, never the teased. I should know that by now.” She tugged Clarke’s jeans off, taking the underwear with them. Clarke watched as Lexa then shimmies out of her own pants, tossing them aside with the rest of the clothes.  
  
“God damn, Lex,” she breathed, tracing her fingers over Lexa’s stomach and thighs. The other girl’s muscles were tight, toned. Nothing about Lexa wasn’t sexy.  
Lexa spread Clarke’s legs slowly, maintaining eye contact. Clarke’s chest rose and fell quickly with anticipation. She watched as Lexa kissed her inner thighs, moving ever closer. She whimpered, resisting the urge to just shove Lexa’s head to where she wanted it. She did want this to last. But the teasing was torture.  
Lexa’s tongue felt cold in comparison to the heat radiating from the rest of her body. Clarke’s back arched in response. Lexa was still teasing, though. Just the tip of her tongue flicked over Clarke’s clit. She ran her fingers through her own hair in frustration.   
  
She could feel Lexa smirking.  
  
“Lexa…” she groaned.  
  
Lexa responded by thrusting her tongue into Clarke, who tangled her hands in the other girls hair, pushing her closer. Clarke lost herself in ecstasy. She’d forgotten just how talented Lexa was with her tongue. Another wave of sadness and regret washed over her. She pulled Lexa’s face up to hers, kissing her and tasting herself.

“I wasn’t done,” Lexa mumbled between kisses.  
  
“I know, but I want to taste you before this ends.” Lexa laid down on her back as Clarke planted a trail of kisses down her stomach. She slid two fingers into Lexa, feeling another rush of heat between her own thighs as she did so.  
  
Unlike at the beach, Clarke was gentle this time. She wasn’t fueled by anger. This time, she wanted to make sure she enjoyed every inch of Lexa.  
Her body pressed as close to Lexa’s as possible, Clarke kissed her passionately. Lexa felt so soft and warm under her. The hot alfalfa mixed with the musk of sex and Lexa’s natural smell had Clarke’s head spinning.  
  
“I love you,” she whispered.  
  
“I know.”  
  
But in those two words, Clarke heard so much more.  
  
_I love you too._  
 _I understand._  
 _Please forgive me._  
  
Again, Clarke trailed kisses down Lexa’s front, her fingers moving more quickly now. Lexa’s hips bucked slightly.  
  
“I want to taste you.”  
  
“Then do it already,” Lexa moaned.  
  
Her mouth found Lexa’s clit. She rolled her tongue over it, her fingers pumping hard and fast now. Lexa’s breathing was labored.  
  
Lexa tasted salty and sweet – like the air in Montauk. Clarke never wanted to forget that taste. Lexa pushed her hips towards Clarke’s face. She pulled her fingers from Lexa, wrapping the girl’s legs over her shoulder, holding Lexa by the hips, letting herself devour her.  
  
“Clarke…C-Clarke…fucking hell…”  
  
Lexa’s body tensed. Tensed. Tensed.  
  
Relaxed.  
  
She pulled Clarke into a passionate kiss and they collapsed into each other.  
  
“But you didn’t…” Lexa finally spoke when she’d caught her breath.  
  
“I just wanted you to.” She kissed her again.  
  
“Do you think they’ll find us soon?”  
  
“Probably.”  
  
Silence.  
  
“You have another destination in mind?”  
  
“A few.”  
  
“Good.”  
  
Silence.  
  
The familiar darkness crept into the edges of the scene, and Clarke held onto Lexa tighter.


	6. Endings and Beginnings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long! I suck. 
> 
> In this final chapter, Clarke and Lexa find themselves at Jake Griffin's grave where they say their final goodbyes.

"Where are we?" Lexa asked, taking a step forward, cursing as her calf hit cold stone. Clarke grabbed her arm, pulling her back and stabilizing her. 

"You probably don't recognize it in the dark." It was night in this particular memory. One specific night. The night of her father's funeral. Clarke leaned down in front of the tomb stone that Lexa had just run into. She traced her hands over the letters, her eyes adjusting to the dark. _Jake Griffin. Father, Husband, Hero._

 _"_ Oh, Clarke..." Lexa whispered, leaning down next to the blonde girl, her hand resting on her shoulder. 

"He really was a hero," Clarke sighed. 

"I know." 

Jake had died in an accident at his workplace. He'd worked at a power plant on the edge of town. He was part of the management. The big boss had ordered new machinery that was still fairly experimental. But it was supposed to save the company big bucks if they switched over. Clarke's father had argued against it, but he was the only one. 

One day, one of the new reactors exploded. Jake could have evacuated. He could have gotten out unscathed. But he couldn't let innocent people die. So he stayed behind. He died trying to help people escape the flames. 

Clarke sniffed loudly, rubbing her eyes furiously. 

"I'm sorry for bringing you here again. I know our last visit wasn't great."

"I just...I don't know how to handle death, Clarke. You know that. After Costia and Gus..." Clarke knew this. Clarke knew Lexa shut down around any mention of death or loss. She'd spent too long hardening her heart to that sort of thing. It hurt too much to let her walls come down. They'd had an awful fight the day Clarke and brought her here. She'd only been trying to open up, to share the painful parts of her past with the girl she loved. But Lexa had seemed so cold. So unfeeling the whole time. Clarke had cried and Lexa just stood there stiffly by her side. They didn't speak to each other for the rest of the day. They hardly even touched. Even looking at each other had felt painful. 

It was the worst fight they'd ever had. 

"Why did you bring us here?"

"It was somewhere to hide," Clarke shrugged, "It was a chance to do it better. To get it right."

"You mean without all the angry silence?"

"Yeah. That wasn't too selfish of me, was it?" Clarke looked at Lexa in the dark, suddenly worried that she may have ruined one of their last moments together. 

"Clarke, I don't think I'm in a place to be calling anyone selfish right now. Not after what I did." Lexa looked at the ground. "God, Clarke, I'm so sorry."

"Stop saying that. It doesn't change anything. It's done. We just have to hang on while we can. I did it, too, Lexa. I forgot you, too. Or I will have, once I wake up." 

They sat in silence for a while. The sun started to rise, the other tombstones casting long shadows. 

Lexa stood up, pulling Clarke with her. She grabbed Clarke's hands and placed them on her cheeks, then she placed her hands on Clarke's, holding her face gently. 

"Look at my face. Don't stop looking at it until the sun comes up. Then look at it some more. Memorize me. Remember every little detail, Clarke. All of it. Look at me until I am a part of you. Look at me until you can't forget, okay?" Tears formed in Lexa's eyes, but she didn't blink them away. She let them trickle onto Clarke's warm fingers. "Remember me, Clarke. Remember me here," she placed her hand over Clarke's heart, "Even if you can't remember me here," she touched Clarke's forehead gently. Clarke nodded, her eyes still studding Lexa's face as she willed her tears away. She needed her vision to be clear in this moment. She noted the shades of green in Lexa's eyes. The way they got darker around the edges. She traced a finger over the shape of Lexa's nose and jaw line. Her thumb brushed the other girls lips. Everywhere her eyes looked, her hands followed. She tried to create a map of Lexa's features in her head and under her hands so that maybe if she ever got to touch this beautiful face again, something in her would remember what they had once had. And maybe the way she touched Lexa with such familiarity and certainty would wake up the same memories in her. Maybe they could make it work again. Someday. 

Finally, Clarke kissed Lexa, pressing her body as close as she could. Lexa's hand tangled in her hair, but it was with a tenderness that she'd never felt before. 

"Clarke," Lexa breathed, her forehead resting against the other girls, "Clarke please tell me you know another place we can hide." 

"I can't. I don't. It's almost over. I can feel it." She was going to wake up soon. She was going to wake up and Lexa was going to be gone. Only this time, she wouldn't cry. She wouldn't scream or binge-eat ice cream with Bellamy. Because it would be like Lexa was never there in the first place. Instead of pain, there would be an empty space. That slight itch in the back of her brain, like something was missing, but she'd never be able to put her finger on it. 

"I'm so sorry, Lex."

"Me too. I wish I'd stayed."

"I wish you'd stayed, too." 

They kissed again, desperate and sad, their lips salty with tears. 

"Do you think we'll find each other again?" 

"Maybe. I don't know." 

"Remember me, Clarke. With your heart. You have to." 

"I know."

\---

Clarke opened her eyes. She felt as though she'd had the most strange and elaborate dream, but she couldn't remember any of the details. Something felt different, though. She felt lighter, somehow. Happier, but also less complete. She shrugged, rolling over and turning her phone on. 

She'd missed two calls from Bellamy and several texts from Raven and Octavia. 

Raven: Hey, you wanna come over for dinner Wed? 

Raven: Bring O, too. 

Octavia: Wanna go out for drinks tonight?

Octavia: Don't tell me you're already sleeping!

Octavia: Jesus, Clarke. I thought I raised you to be more fun!

She texted them both back quickly and then called Bellamy. 

"Hey, Clarke, how you feeling?" He asked as soon as he picked up. 

"I'm fine, why?" she laughed. 

"No reason, just checking in...Am I gonna see you today?" 

"Maybe. But I was actually thinking I might take the train to Montauk. I've got a real craving for the ocean for some reason. You wanna come?"

"I promised Wick I'd help him with a birthday gift for Raven, so I have to pass."

"Oh, right! Raven's birthday. How could I have forgotten? It's so close." 

Bellamy's quiet felt uncomfortable on the other end of the line, like he knew something Clarke didn't. 

"Everything okay, Bells?" she asked. 

"Yeah, fine! It's fine. You sure you're okay?"

"Yes. I'm sure. Go help Wick. I'll call you when I'm back, okay?"

They hung up. 

Clarke gazed at herself in the mirror, still feeling the slight sensation that something wasn't right. She threw on jeans, an old t-shirt and one of her favorite sweaters and headed to the station. 

Clutching her train pass to her chest, she waited for it to pull into the station. Her foot tapped anxiously. 

When the train arrived, it was nearly empty. Only four people were in the car, and only three other people had been waiting with her at the station. Clarke sat by a window, scanning the faces of the few other passengers. 

She noticed a girl sitting across the and one seat back from her. She had long, wavy brown hair and the sleeves of her sweater were pulled down over her hands. She was reading a book. It was  _Our Mutual Friend,_ one of Clarke's favorite Dickens novels. She scooted over to the isle seat and tried to get the girls attention. 

"Hey." 

Nothing. 

"Hey, girl reading Dickens." 

The girl reading looked up. She had the most beautiful green eyes Clarke had ever seen. 

"What?" she asked, rather coldly. 

"Nothing, I just love that book. You don't see many people reading that particular novel by him." 

The girl looked at the cover as if she'd forgotten what she was reading and shrugged. 

"I saw it at the store and something about it just made me want to get it. I don't know how I feel about it yet." 

"Well, you're not very far into are you?" The girl nodded. 

"It gets better, I promise. There's this passage in it that I absolutely love. But I can't tell you what it is cuz it might spoil something for you." 

The other girl smiled. Well, it wasn't quite a smile. More of a smirk. 

"I'd hate it if a girl like you did anything to spoil me." 

Clarke felt a but of heat in her cheeks, but she returned the girls smirk. 

"You know what you should do?" she asked, reaching into her bag for a pen, "You should call me when you finish that novel. We can discuss it over coffee." She held her hand out and the other girl handed her the book. Clarke scrawled her number on the inside cover. "I'm Clarke, by the way," she added as she handed the book back. 

"Lexa," the girl replied, her fingers very intentionally brushing Clarke's as the book passed back onto her hands. 

"You going to Montauk?"

"Yeah. Don't know why. I haven't been in years. But it seemed like the thing to do when I got up this morning."

"I had the same feeling. Must be something in the weather."

"Yeah, it must be," she smirked again. God, she had the most intense eyes Clarke had ever seen. "Now hush, I need to finish this book so I can call a very pretty girl."

Clarke turned back in her seat, a smile creeping across her face. 

**Author's Note:**

> follow my tumblr if you want, cuz sometimes i'll post segments from upcoming chapters and also i'll cry about my own clexa feelings a lot  
> http://walde1nsamkeit.tumblr.com/


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